An Empty Chair for The Holidays: Surviving the Season After Loss (Part II)

If you’re struggling to cope with a loss, you well know just how devastating the days are when the holidays roll around. For Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, once grief is added to the mix, days of incredible childlike promise and excitement become mired in sorrow and heartache. Inspiration and gratitude become misery and pain.

“What’s wrong with everyone”, you find yourself silently questioning. Perplexed, you wonder how can everyone around you be so happy and seemingly unfazed? How is it others can carry on as if nothing at all has changed?

Whether the first season without or merely the latest in an annual string of debilitating weeks to close out the year… The pain and heartache at times feels unbearable – with no let up in sight.

What do you do?

Well, let's just say, for the holidays, it’s paramount that, as much as humanly possible - the focus be shifted to some more uplifting and empowering thoughts and pursuits. Following are some tried and true examples to help get some positive energy and additional thoughts flowing. Try a combination of these ideas – and any other personalized ideas you can generate. What it comes down to is, generally speaking, the more uplifting ideas you have and proactive things you do, the less overwhelming sorrow and a greater sense of empowerment - you will tend to experience.

And with a greater sense of empowerment comes a sense of considerably less helplessness and hopelessness... Which in turn, fosters a greater capacity to find greater perspective, solace, and gratitude in your days. And most importantly, ultimately feeling more lovingly, directly connected to your lost loved one's spirit in your life. Certainly a considerably better place to be for the holidays – and all the days to follow... Don't you think?

The question is… In what manner do you optimally want to spend these days? The good news is you have options!

To get the thoughts flowing, might I suggest the following possibilities, for starters? And again, feel free to incorporate one, a mix – or, for that matter, any other ideas that might be inspired as a result. The objective is pretty simple… Embrace the activities that hold space for the most healing, love, gratitude and promise for you. And, as much as possible, reject those that involve you only expecting, and as a result, facilitating spending these days unduly miserable, and agonizingly awash in a sea of corrosive thoughts, isolation from those who care, emotionally more shattered, and intentionally, yet frustratingly alone.

Here Are Some More Advantageous Ways You Could Better Dedicate Parts Of These Days:

• Do Things Your Loved One Loved Most – You could brainstorm a list of activities your loved one enjoyed doing the most. Selecting a few of these items, you could endeavor to spend part of the holiday experiencing some of those activities. Ask yourself revealing questions like… What is it that your loved one liked so much about each activity? What does the activity teach you about your loved one that you didn’t already know or appreciate? What lessons relative to yourself are there to be gained? And what would your loved one, looking down on you from heaven, likely say? Be sure to spend time recounting your very best memories around these activities and being grateful for the time you had.

• Spend Time With A Fellow Survivor (Perhaps In Your Loved One's Name) – Befriend someone who is also struggling to make it through the holiday as a result of loss. Plan to spend some portion of the day together (whether via phone or in-person). Perhaps serve as each other’s designated go to person should there be a need. This gives you somebody to freely share your emotions and memories with – without feeling awkward or worrying about what the other person thinks of you. Promise each other that at least 50% of the conversation that day will be dedicated to good memories and all the love that was shared.

• Contribute Time To A Charity (Perhaps In Your Loved One's Name) – As a rule; nothing helps us quite like helping someone else. Doing so magically shifts our attention from things like what we don’t have and the perceived wrongs done to us - to perspectives like how much we are fortunate enough to have and just how blessed we were to have had those lost in the first place. Thus, a great way to spend part of the holiday is dedicating it to a good cause. Especially if that’s to help a cause for those less fortunate... Even more purpose and meaning can be derived if the cause happens to be something near and dear to your loved one. The love and appreciation all around you will work wonders, at least for a few hours, for your mood and perspective.

• Help A Specific Person Or Family In Need (Perhaps In Your Loved One's Name) – If a more direct and personal approach is preferable, you could help a family or individual in need. Possibilities include adopting a family in need for the holidays and volunteering your time to provide grief support and encouragement to the family/loved one of someone who recently passed. This not only serves to partially divert your attention from your loss – but also to effectively shift your mindset from sorrow and despair to one more grounded in hope and love. And there is no more effective way to get closer to better days than being a catalyst for someone else’s.

In addition, there’s the option of planning activities that more directly and individually celebrate the life and memory of your loved one. Engagement in these will serve not only to further honor your loved one – but also to foster greater contentment and meaning within your day as well.

Those ideas include;

• Dedicating a portion of the day to swapping heartwarming and funny memories and stories with family and friends

• Framing some of your favorite pictures of your loved one, preferably during some of the happiest times, perhaps even pictures from the particular holiday or special day being celebrated – to be displayed and potentially reminisced about, whenever these days roll around

• Ensuring the holiday menu includes some of your loved one's absolute favorite foods

• Commencing the main meal with each person sharing a quality or trait that they loved and admired most about your loved one - and any examples they have to share

• And finally, pausing to talk to your loved one’s spirit anytime the feeling to do so hits... (chances are you will likely be most comfortable doing this one alone...)

Doing any combination of the recommendations here, the recommendations included in “An Empty Chair For The Holidays: Surviving The Season After Loss (Part I)”, and any other personalized alternatives you come up with to best honor, and gratefully reflect and remember - and who knows? Perhaps your holiday season ends up generating considerably less toxic, less grueling, and sufficiently more connected and loving days - along with the motivation for a smile or two – holiday season notwithstanding...

The real key is your resolution that, while the holidays can’t possibly be the same without your loved one’s physical presence – that doesn’t mean that absence has to be ignored or downplayed. And neither does it mean this holiday season must be forfeited to all-out, devastating pain, sorrow, despair, and loneliness.... No… We can choose instead to acknowledge it – then wholeheartedly celebrate and commemorate the life, time, and togetherness we did have, as well as the warm memories and heartfelt feelings we are fortunate enough to continue to bear.

A special spirit shared on special days...

All of which, upon adopting some of the actions suggested in part I and/or part II, along with any uplifting actions you add, just might have you feeling noticeably and very much appreciatively more connected to your loved one's spirit - empty chair or not...

A much better alternative outcome for your holiday season - wouldn't you say??!!

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I'm Coach D Anthony. I'm a Grief Recovery and Empowerment Coach. And my personal mission is to fundamentally alter the attitudes, conversation and ingrained beliefs associated with death of loved ones - freeing Survivors of devastating loss (like yourself) to stop merely surviving in the shadows, burying their feelings for fear of negative perceptions and forfeiting years of their lives to debilitating pain, heartache, loneliness, guilt, sorrow and hopelessness. Further, my purpose is to help people begin to learn what’s necessary to finally escape all-consuming grief - and cease forfeiting months (and years even) of their lives. In addition, seeking to foster the rebuilding of relationships with surviving loved ones, the reclaiming of hope and the desire to live again, and last but certainly not least, the honoring of, and living for, lost loved ones...

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Isn't it time you got some much-needed personalized insight and support to begin to finally turn things around? Signup for a no-cost, 1-on-1 Life Without Grief Breakthrough Call with us here. Be prepared though, for just about the most eye-opening and empowering call you've ever had... You’ll also want to be sure to... Join my Facebook grief recovery group here - for empowering recovery insight and daily support. And, last but not least, if you’re ready to dig a bit into some of the damaging myths that are likely blocking you from your maximized healing, you’ll want to... Grab a copy of my highly-empowering, self-help, grief transformation book, “14 Reasons You’re Not Letting Yourself Heal”. 14 Reasons - and your grief will never be the same... Find it and take a quick 'look inside' on Amazon here…

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